Thursday, January 12, 2012

After all this time... It would be worth it

Hi, how's life? I hope you guys are okay. Well, this is the second week of January in 2012. Guess who just got her first goodbye? Yes, it is me. I mean this is different. This is my first goodbye. And it is like really a goodbye. My friend just passed away yesterday. He was my senior and my friend on the court. He passed away when he was 22 years old. See? I know what you are going to say: 'Omg, he's still very young?', 'How can?'. That is true-- I mean he's got a big great wide future ahead of him. I hate to say this but it is true that the fact-- good man, die young. He was a good one, funny guy, smart yet talented one. And do you know what made him die? Lymph node cancer. I just cannot believe it. He got a cancer. I swear to God if I was interested in science, I'd dedicate my whole life finding a cure for cancer. I swear. 

Death. One word that scares me out. Actually, I am not scared with death things. I just scared with the way I will die and the fact that I will leave everyone arounds me. I just scared if I have not done good things (Well, ofcourse not only me but you have done a good things. Even it is only once or twice). The fact that beside I am not only scared but curious of death. I have to admit it that I do fear of the pain I might go through before I die. Death means the last stage of life and the beginning of something new. Death is inevitable-- and with you fear the inevitable will only make you are not enjoy your life. Beside the fact death is unavoidable too. You and me just do not know when death will come-- maybe tomorrow, next month, next year, or after writing this post there will be a meteors fall to my house. We just should prepare ourselves and others for it. 

Talking about death. The next thing that scares me out is-- what if everyone that you love leave you. Leave you like forever and you might see them in another life. I am not ready yet for that. I just want to see my dad and mom live until I marry and have a kids (I want to see them live and see my kids wedding). Nevertheless, I am not God. I am just a human who want to be happy and see everyone around me stick with me through the end. I know that sounds selfish. But, Morrie said 'Death ends a life; not a relationship.'  So, that question makes me think all over again with death things. Why should I worry and scared like a hell? 

“When someone is in your heart, they're never truly gone. They can come back to you, even at unlikely times.” 

Living is a challenge and dying is easy. You could die when you sleep. You could die when you are at home-- watching your favorite movie. You could die when you eat bubblegum. You could die in anywhere, anytime, anyhow. There's a lot of way to die. And we just cannot deny the fact-- we are gonna die at the end. But living? You will never know what will come to you. Whether it is a good things or worse things. 

Henceforth, I should prepare for it. I just put my faith in Him. Faith that can make me hear a whisper-- You are saved and you know that you will go to heaven.
Even Morrie said “The truth is, once you learn how to die, you learn how to live.” 
We are growing older-- it is inevitable too. The fact that if you learn how to die, you learn how to live. Just live your life, enjoy every moments that come. Enjoy the moments when the problems come and try to hit you but at the end you will hit them back. And for now, I will enjoy my life. Do a good things, try something new, meet new people, forget the fear and this and that. Because, I will never know and you will never know our 'time' on this earth. We are only know-- we are here because we are not dealing with death, we are dealing with life. 

Goodbye Kak Ricky Sonora. I will miss the fact that we cannot play basketball together anymore. Just see you in another life! Another new beginning life. Send my loves to Him. Good bye, I'll see you later! Your friends, your juniors, and everyone will miss you! So take care and watch your step! 

It would be worth it...

Currently listening: Science of Fear (The Temper Trap)

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Hai. Apa kabar?

Apakah pertanyaan itu tepat untuk orang sedang sakit malarindu? Iya, menurutku rindu itu pembawa sakit. Bikin susah tidur. Aku paling benci kalau sudah rindu datang. Datangnya tiba-tiba. Seketika ia datang ketika sedang mendengarkan lagu favorit. Lalu datang juga potongan film kecil di kepalaku. Iya potongan film masa lalu-- tentang aku dan kamu. Tapi ketika rindu datang. Datang juga rentetan pertanyaan: Siapa kamu yang bukan siapa-siapa tapi malah merindukan dia?

Pintar. Ternyata si Otak jauh lebih logis daripada hati. Hati mulai bertanya: Siapa aku? Dulu kamu tidak begini. Aku rindu kamu yang dulu. Apakah ini karma kalau si Hati tidak mau menuruti kata si Otak dulu? 
Dulu si Otak bilang: Ini bukan perkara mudah. Sekali kamu jatuh untuknya, jangan harap bisa naik dengan mudah. Jangan. Tetapi si Hati terlalu sok daripada si Otak. Sekarang si Hati jatuh dan bahkan menarikku untuk ikut-ikutan.

Kamu tahu apa yang paling kurindukan? Aku rindu belajar tentang hal-hal yang tidak penting mengenai kamu. Sebab sekarang hal itu jadi penting. Oh, manusia memang lucu; kadang ia tidak suka diatur tetapi sekarang ia merindukan rasanya diatur-atur bagaimana. Terutama aku. Aku rindu dengan pengaturan jam tidurmu. 

Aku tahu kamu tidak akan peduli dengan persoalan susah tidur ini. Aku tahu kamu tidak peduli dengan perasaan menyesal si Hati ini. Aku tahu kamu tidak peduli betapa kerasnya si Otak berteriak memaki si Hati dan ia sungguh berharap dapat kembali ke masa sebelum bertemu kamu. Tetapi aku peduli. Bukan peduli tentang kamu; tetapi peduli terhadap kelangsungan si Otak dan si Hati. Cukup kita yang berjarak jangan sampai si Hati dan si Otak ikut-ikutan.

Kalau rindu bisa ngomong mungkin ia akan berkata: Aku capek bekerja. Aku bosan dan lelah. Sama halnya dengan si Otak kalau ia mampu berteriak ia pasti akan berteriak: Salahmu sendiri. Aku sudah bilang kamu tidak mau dengar. Aku sedang mencari cara bagaimana kamu bisa keluar, tapi tolong bertahanlah sebentar.

Kata orang rindu paling sendu adalah ketika dua orang saling merindukan tetapi tidak dapat berbuat apa-apa selain berdoa kepada-NyaMemohon agar yang dirindukan dapat merindukan balik. Apakah sekarang kita seperti itu? Ah, mungkin itu hanya khayalan bodoh dari si Hati. 

Tetapi malam ini aku memang rindu. Tidak bisa tidur. Tetapi aku tidak berdoa agar dapat dirindukan balik. Bukan tidak mungkin. Hanya terkadang ada masanya hal-hal seperti itu harus berhenti. Malam ini aku berdoa untuk si Otak dan si Hati. 

Aku berharap si Otak dapat menemukan jalan keluar untuk si Hati. Aku tahu si Otak pasti mampu tapi semuanya hanya masalah waktu. Lalu, aku berharap si Hati dapat bertahan. Aku mau ia bersabar hingga si Otak punya solusinya. Ketika sampai pada masa si Otak berhasil mengeluarkan si Hati-- aku mau si Hati tidak jatuh lagi. Aku mau ia berhati-hati ketika melangkah. Bahkan aku berharap si Otak dapat menggandengnya hingga dapat berjalan bersama. 

Sungguh! Demi Tuhan dan semesta. Aku mau tidur. Aku mau sembuh. Aku tidak mau si Hati lelah menunggu dan perlahan-lahan mati rasa. Aku tidak mau si Otak menyerah sekarang. Jangan dulu. Tetapi sekarang aku lelah-- butuh istirahat. 

Ah, sepertinya aku harus tidur... Atau lebih tepatnya hanya pura-pura tidur?

PS: Rindu itu seperti kafein. Kamu teguk sekali, kamu kena imbasnya. 

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Thank you and Sorry

Thank you means  a conversational expression of gratitude
Thank you for not being a listener and talker, but also for being my friend.
Thank you for every crap memories that you gave to me even it's not for last.
Thank you for every unimportant details that I've learned.
Thank you for let yourself come to my life-- exceed the limits of my mind.
Thank you for all the things that cannot be told here.

Sorry means feeling or expressing regret or sorrow or a sense of loss over something done or undone
Sorry for the day when I just could keep bothering you
Sorry for the day when I already knew-- you never want to be with me.
Sorry for the day I couldn't stay away and fight it.
Sorry for every chance that I took without thinking.
Sorry for all the annoyance that I should have to stop it since last year.
Sorry... Sorry...

But most importanly, I'm sorry because you never good enough for me.
I'm sorry because you just missed a chance to be with me.
And I'm sorry because one day, you'll be regret about this.
And thank you for leaving this 'scars'--I will remember it for the rest of my life.
And one day I will remember something you said or did and I just laugh instead of crying...
Good luck for you!

 And on that 'one day' I will just laugh instead of crying when I see you.

PS: I have to let myself go and let you eventually.

Currently listening: Someone Like You (Adele)

Maybe it's not my weekend but it's going to be my year

Happy New Year! *throw confetti*

Hi everyone! It's already 2012 now! I am sorry for my bad habit. Such a real procastinator. I am sorry for my late post about New Year Celebration. I am obviously sure that you and me had a great time with all of those beautiful fireworks and moments. Talking about New Year, it means we moved on to a new page. Have you guys made any resolutions? Or the simplest question-- Do you guys have a resolutions? If you ask me, I will say  yes, I do have resolutions. Then if you asked me what is my resolution for this year. It's simple-- find a solutions to make my resolutions come true. 

Another question. Are we ready for all the surprises 2012 will bring to us? Well, I am ready for all the problems, hellos, goodbyes, and God knows what is it.  2011 was an epic year for me. There was a lot of unexpected things happened. I got a new nieces in 2011-- welcome new member. I had a new community which it helps me a lot-- great one ever (Thank you KS Remaja). Then, I realized something. I met an amazing people in 2011. For example, my greatest and amazing class-- Science Adrenaline. I knew Ndari too (I love the way we reunited). Last year was my first time to take a part in Pax Futsal Team. I had a great team-- well, I will always have them as my great team. 

I have learned something from 2011. Life has many ups and downs, rights and wrongs, mistakes and regrets, this and that. 2011 was so amazing, full of surprises, and fucked up too. Sometimes I can be very happy and sometimes I can feel like life really fucked me well. But I am glad, I am still alive and writing this post. I have learned to say thank you in any condition. I just thank God. Because of Him-- I am still here breathing, laughing, keep typing on this post. I am laughing for all the jokes and problems that He has shared to me.
But, I believe 2012 will give me so much more than 2011. 

In 2012, I have to study hard. I have to face UN and get ready for University. The best part I still do not know which University and Major that I want to take. But, I am pretty sure I will get my best one. So, I have to give the best one to deserve the best one. Study hard! If the most over-abused word in 2011 is galau, in this year the most over-abused word that I am gonna use all the time is cemangadh qaqa. LOL. 

So, at the end all the plans are coming up, quite excited about it (Well, I wrote down my wishes and dreams then the commitmens in 2012 on a piece paper and I keep it in my wallet). Do I ready for every hellos and goodbyes, every ups and downs, every regrets and mistakes, and for this and that? Yes, I do-- and I have to. Am I ready for every hellos and goodbyes, every ups and downs, every regrets and mistakes, and for this and that? Actually, I am not. But back to the previous answer. I have to...

Talking about New Year, well not to forget about my favorite part! The fireworks! Here's a few pictures of the fireworks:

It was beautiful

Look what we've got!  

PS: You know what? Sometimes, I'm sick of seeing the same people say "my year was not well and quite terrible, but I believe next year will be better" every single year. That's pathetic. Come on guys, let's do the best and let God do the rest! And oh yeah, I will try my best to keep updating this blog. Need a tons of luck from you, readers! 

Currently listening: Weightless (All Time Low)