23.
I started my twenty-third birthday with a sleepless night, deadline with my team mates, an empty wallet and a complete lack of direction. Yes, what a great way to start your twenty-third birthday.
23. What a number. That's not even a big number and also not a small one. But it's still a number. In a blink, I just turned another year older 2 days ago. Some said the age of 23 is quite confusing. Confusing because I'm in a state where I'm going to face the adulthood and leave the teenage years. Sometimes I question myself about what I'm supposed to do, what I'm gonna do with my life, where should I be, and where should I go. I know I don't have to figure them out in one night, but I just can't help the sleepless nights because of I think too much, the sadness and confusion, and asking for a help but I don't know what kind of help that I need. It seems like nobody likes me, even my parents and my own life. 23 is a thrilling age to face. Every damn time I always think I'm losing my direction (In fact yes I think I lose it)
I can't imagine my life in the next 5 years. Where I want to be and what I'm gonna do at the age of 28. I have no idea.
Some nights, I desperately seek for a "yes" that will tell me the decisions that I've made is gonna work. I think I already work so hard. I think to do your passion is already enough. But the truth that's not enough. The thing that I love is easy to love, but with my surrounding and condition make the thing that I love is hard to love me back. It's hard.
Also some nights, I feel like I'm too old to go out and have fun, but I'm too young to stay at home and do nothing. Okay, maybe not nothing. Okay, binge-watching series I mean. I want to be more productive, but I haven't quite figured it out how to be more productive.
Not to mention, I'm still alone. Not ready for a date. Not ready to date people. Not even sure if dating someone is a solution to make everything feel less lonely. Most of my conversations with my friends these days are only about assuring one another that we're gonna be okay. I keep wondering if life will ever be more certain. I keep pushing myself to run fast, but sometimes all I need is to learn how to walk first and sense the universe moves slowly around me.
Yes yes, I try to tell myself to stop complaining, enjoy the life, and don't think too much. I know life isn't that bad. I still have a family, great friends, and maybe a good health. I'm so lucky and blessed that I'm loved in so many ways. I still have time to drink a beer with my friends, job to pay the bills, and all the good things. Yet, all the fear always comes and hits me so I always feel I'm unworthy and pessimists. Things will fall into place, but all I need is to be patient. Sometimes, I waste my time like the same thing I did in college and high schools. I used to not feel worried about that, but now that makes me feel uncomfortable. I'm at the point in my life where I don't know what I really want. Where I necessarily missing something but I don't know what it is.
Nevertheless, I have a lot of things to learn, a lot of things to experience, a lot of places to be, a lot of songs to listen, a lot of concerts to go, and yada yada things. I should learn to not rush things, not to be stressed over everything, and the most important thing not to punish myself for not doing well in my job. Sometimes, all you need is a little exception in your life. Right? 23 is just a number. Just a number. But, 23 life also makes me forget why I chose my major or why I moved to this office or why I did these things. Yes, I need to understand who I am. I know it's hard but I know I can make it through there.
Because only time and God that always tell me to not give up and quit easily. I hope I can make it to 24.
Welcome to the new age, Vera Ciu.
23. What a number. That's not even a big number and also not a small one. But it's still a number. In a blink, I just turned another year older 2 days ago. Some said the age of 23 is quite confusing. Confusing because I'm in a state where I'm going to face the adulthood and leave the teenage years. Sometimes I question myself about what I'm supposed to do, what I'm gonna do with my life, where should I be, and where should I go. I know I don't have to figure them out in one night, but I just can't help the sleepless nights because of I think too much, the sadness and confusion, and asking for a help but I don't know what kind of help that I need. It seems like nobody likes me, even my parents and my own life. 23 is a thrilling age to face. Every damn time I always think I'm losing my direction (In fact yes I think I lose it)
I can't imagine my life in the next 5 years. Where I want to be and what I'm gonna do at the age of 28. I have no idea.
Some nights, I desperately seek for a "yes" that will tell me the decisions that I've made is gonna work. I think I already work so hard. I think to do your passion is already enough. But the truth that's not enough. The thing that I love is easy to love, but with my surrounding and condition make the thing that I love is hard to love me back. It's hard.
Also some nights, I feel like I'm too old to go out and have fun, but I'm too young to stay at home and do nothing. Okay, maybe not nothing. Okay, binge-watching series I mean. I want to be more productive, but I haven't quite figured it out how to be more productive.
Not to mention, I'm still alone. Not ready for a date. Not ready to date people. Not even sure if dating someone is a solution to make everything feel less lonely. Most of my conversations with my friends these days are only about assuring one another that we're gonna be okay. I keep wondering if life will ever be more certain. I keep pushing myself to run fast, but sometimes all I need is to learn how to walk first and sense the universe moves slowly around me.
Yes yes, I try to tell myself to stop complaining, enjoy the life, and don't think too much. I know life isn't that bad. I still have a family, great friends, and maybe a good health. I'm so lucky and blessed that I'm loved in so many ways. I still have time to drink a beer with my friends, job to pay the bills, and all the good things. Yet, all the fear always comes and hits me so I always feel I'm unworthy and pessimists. Things will fall into place, but all I need is to be patient. Sometimes, I waste my time like the same thing I did in college and high schools. I used to not feel worried about that, but now that makes me feel uncomfortable. I'm at the point in my life where I don't know what I really want. Where I necessarily missing something but I don't know what it is.
Nevertheless, I have a lot of things to learn, a lot of things to experience, a lot of places to be, a lot of songs to listen, a lot of concerts to go, and yada yada things. I should learn to not rush things, not to be stressed over everything, and the most important thing not to punish myself for not doing well in my job. Sometimes, all you need is a little exception in your life. Right? 23 is just a number. Just a number. But, 23 life also makes me forget why I chose my major or why I moved to this office or why I did these things. Yes, I need to understand who I am. I know it's hard but I know I can make it through there.
Because only time and God that always tell me to not give up and quit easily. I hope I can make it to 24.
Welcome to the new age, Vera Ciu.
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